Questions I Had After Watching Figure Skating Today

Why, for the love of WADA, is Eteri Tutberidze still allowed in a rink?

Every time I see Eteri at a competition I make this involuntary hissing sound that calls every Canada Goose in the neighbourhood to my window in solidarity. Eteri, in case you’ve forgotten, coached Kamila Valieva at the 2022 Olympics. Valieva, who was all of 15 years old, was charged with doping and Russia was stripped of its team event gold medal. Valieva was given a four year competition ban. Eteri, part of a team of adults responsible for managing and guiding the training of a child, suffered no consequences whatsoever.

Eteri is one of the most odious people in figure skating, and that’s saying a lot given that this is a sport packed with monsters. She shouldn’t be allowed within ten miles of a figure skating competition.

Is anyone else nervous that the men’s final is scheduled on Friday the 13th?

The men were remarkably solid throughout the short program today, which is a rare and delightful experience. Stephen Gogolev’s skate lace stayed attached, Tomas Guarino Sabate got to skate his Minions program without fear of being sued into oblivion by Universal, and Adam Siao Him Fa did not die and find himself marooned in the mid-teens ordinals. We will need all of the prayer candles for the free skate, I suspect, because the longer programs will test everyone’s conditioning and nerves. If anyone has some spare holy water in Milan, flooding the rink with it before the men return to competition would be a blessing. Hell, get the Pope out there while you’re at it.

How on earth will anyone beat Ilia Malinin?

Speaking of miracles: it’s going to take a fist crashing down from heaven to keep Ilia Malinin from winning this competition. His lead over Yuma Kagiyama is a slim 5.09 points, so there is a slight chance of an upset. An ordinal shakeup would require Ilia Malinin to beat himself, and Ilia has shown himself to be incredibly resilient when it comes to withstanding pressure.

It’s worth noting that the moments when Ilia has demonstrated vulnerability have often followed changes to his program layout. Too much thinking about the jump sequencing seems to nudge him out of the very precise groove required to skate clean. Tech strategy will be a huge factor in how the rest of this competition will shake out. Ilia doesn’t need 6+ quads to win a gold medal: he won the team event with just (just!) 4 clean quads and a severely downgraded quad lutz. Is it thrilling that he might perform the most technically ambitious figure skating program ever seen on Olympic ice? Absolutely! Is that the best strategic choice to win a gold medal? Only he and his team can answer that. But if anyone can pull this off, it’s Ilia Malinin.

Will the Backflip discourse ever end?

Seriously, if I hear any more bad takes about how Surya Bonaly was disqualified from the Olympics because she did a backflip, I will flip something myself. Surya was constantly underscored due to racism, and performing the backflip was an illegal move and a glorious middle finger to the judges, but she was not disqualified from competition for doing it. Please, for the love of Shin Amano, no more backflip discourse.

What is Rafael Arutyunyan’s frequent flyer status?

That man got on a plane so fast after Ilia had a l’il wobble in the team event and has been watching Ilia like an eagle ever since. No one wants to mess up in front of Raf!